I hate my life. I don't know why I survived cancer. I am a total loser with nothing to live for and I don't know why my life was spared. I have nothing. I am nothing. I go to a job everyday where I am not appreciated, that pays me barely above poverty level. And my family....my dad is helping hold a "fundraiser" for a couple at his church that is raising money to adopt a kid.....come on...I finally spoke my mind when I said "it would've been nice if someone helped me when I had CANCER". I think it pissed him off. OH WELL.

I am tired of living near loud asshole neighbors, too. I am courteous to everyone around me, but I don't receive the same in return. I live amongst trash and freaks that do whatever they please whenever they please. All this of course is because I am a loser and can't do any better for myself.

I am tired of my boss saying whatever he thinks without thinking about it first. I'm sick of dealing with his flip-flop way of treating me...one minute he's extremely nice and the next thing you know he's got his other pesonality working for him. And working in the industry I do all in itself is stressful....I never know when I'm going to be thrown out the back door.....it sucks.

I am afraid that I am sliding back into the depressed black hole that I was in about a month ago. This terrifies me greatly. I don't want to feel like that ever again!!!!

I just wish I could curl up into a ball and disappear forever. I hate my life.

I feel lost

I have survived cancer twice, only to continue to live with severe depression and anxiety. It seems like a bad bad joke! I find it impossible to truly enjoy anything because I am ALWAYS depressed, sad and/or anxious about something! Having cancer twice has only made the anxiety and depression worse! I know I should be enjoying my life more than I am, but I'm not. I continue to live in a bubble of fear and sadness.

I just learned that my dad will be having a heart catheterization next Friday. I am very scared. I am going to be there for it. He was there for me through EVERYTHING last year!

I am fast approaching my one year anniversary of the MOAS (mother of all surgeries). It is on 9/10/08. Last year at this time I was terrified beyond belief! I didn't know what to expect, how long I would be under, etc etc....I am doing fine now, except for my CA19-9 which remains elevated. I am waiting to find out when my next CT scan will be. It should be in the next couple of weeks. CT scans always make me nervous because you never know what they might find!

I have been having an extremely hard time with depression and anxiety in the past three weeks. I am on "vacation" right now which makes it even harder because I don't have anything to do. I have no money, so it's kind of hard to do anything fun! Plus, there have been more layoffs at my job, which makes me extremely nervous because it makes me wonder when I'm going to be next. I was told that I was "safe" (for now!), but I've seen a lot of bad things take place in the six years that I've been there! It's hard NOT to be anxious about it!