I feel lost

I have survived cancer twice, only to continue to live with severe depression and anxiety. It seems like a bad bad joke! I find it impossible to truly enjoy anything because I am ALWAYS depressed, sad and/or anxious about something! Having cancer twice has only made the anxiety and depression worse! I know I should be enjoying my life more than I am, but I'm not. I continue to live in a bubble of fear and sadness.

I just learned that my dad will be having a heart catheterization next Friday. I am very scared. I am going to be there for it. He was there for me through EVERYTHING last year!

I am fast approaching my one year anniversary of the MOAS (mother of all surgeries). It is on 9/10/08. Last year at this time I was terrified beyond belief! I didn't know what to expect, how long I would be under, etc etc....I am doing fine now, except for my CA19-9 which remains elevated. I am waiting to find out when my next CT scan will be. It should be in the next couple of weeks. CT scans always make me nervous because you never know what they might find!

I have been having an extremely hard time with depression and anxiety in the past three weeks. I am on "vacation" right now which makes it even harder because I don't have anything to do. I have no money, so it's kind of hard to do anything fun! Plus, there have been more layoffs at my job, which makes me extremely nervous because it makes me wonder when I'm going to be next. I was told that I was "safe" (for now!), but I've seen a lot of bad things take place in the six years that I've been there! It's hard NOT to be anxious about it!